Own Your Shit

A few weeks ago, my previously favorite blog subject (otherwise known as my middle son, Ben) called me for advice. The reason isn't significant now, but his approach to the conversation carried weight with me.

"Mom, I need your advice on something. And before we even go there, what I am going to tell you is completely my fault. I get all the life lessons around it. What I want is just advice. So, can we just put that all aside and stick to advice on my situation?"

I respected Ben's ask and we had a productive conversation. He sought out advice from others and ultimately came to a good conclusion. Owning his shit and life lessons acknowledged early on, I am pretty confident Ben won't be in the same situation again.

I have always felt that a top responsibility in parenting is to teach our kids to think critically on their own. A specific skill that falls squarely in this category and high on my list is the ability to own your shit. To accept blame when due. To know how you contributed to a wrong and try to correct replicating in the future. 

All humans make mistakes. Because we are in fact, humans. Striving to never make mistakes is impossible. Constantly deflecting and not taking blame when due is simply a lie. Most of us figure this out with experience, parenting, and age. Others don't and it's painful for the rest of us.

The visual that comes to mind for me each time the phrase 'own your shit' is spoken is me in Grant's car trunk.

He was in high school. We were still living in Omaha. He locked his keys in his car. It was a miserably hot summer day. My recollection is that Grant had turned the car on to cool it off before taking off.

As I was busying myself in our air-conditioned kitchen, Grant came to me with his problem.

Grant: "Mom, somehow the car locked and my keys are in the ignition! It's not my fault!!"

(Note to anyone who has to worked with me: Starting a conversation on an issue that needs to be resolved with a proclamation that it is not your fault will not get the best of me out of the gate.)

Me: "Whoa. Are you saying you locked your keys in your car?"

Grant went on to affirm the situation along with the additional fact that the car was running with said locked keys in the ignition. With a litany of reasons on why it wasn't his fault....car locked without his pushing button, malfunction of the car, etc... I ignored his excuses while trying to problem-solve the situation. I worked with him in trying to maneuver a bent wire hanger from the trunk to the back window lock. An hour and multiple fails later, a locksmith was called and the car was opened.

Exhausted, mentally and physically, after laying in a hot car trunk, I hopped on my road bike for a long ride to clear my head. Not ten minutes into it, Grant called me. Although he did thank me for my help, he also wanted to continue his case on how the situation was not his fault. My response would fall in the category of a parental 'losing it'.

"Grant, OWN YOUR SHIT!! This is no one's fault but yours and frankly, NO ONE cares!! S-T-O-P  I-T. STOP IT! YOU locked your keys in your car! Your car did not do this by itself!!"

There were a few more choice words. I can only imagine what the other bikers and walkers on the trail were thinking, as I was seemingly having this air-budded conversation with myself.

Grant did eventually call me back and finally owned his shit.

I did the more motherly thing and thanked him for that.

I often think of that afternoon of my lying in the trunk when I hear adults play the blame game. As they spend more time pointing fingers than resolving problems, they avoid fixing what led to the problem. There was a running joke at a company I worked. Whenever someone gave their notice to work somewhere else, they would soon be worst former employee. It was the culture of this company to blame all issues on whoever was the last to leave. It was better to never be wrong or look bad. So whomever was the last to go (regardless of their last final performance review), every client problem, billing issue, and mistake was theirs.

I also worked with a guy (again grown, not a teenager) who spent more time clearing his name than resolving the problems. It was actually insane, looking back at the situation. We were working on a start-up which by its nature of start-ups had issues to resolve. Rather than be iterative and agile, fingers were pointed and the company spun in a culture of 'who dun it?' rather than 'how do we fix it together?".

These situations were miserable to say the least.

Relationship ends are infamous for the inability for one to own their shit. Whether a severed work relationship or personal break-ups, it is typical for people to put full blame on the other.

My husband, Garrett, is the best in taking the emotion out of these villain vs victim scenarios. His common question to a lamenting friend after a break-up:

"So what did you learn from it? What will you do differently next time?"

To Garrett, it is all about the journey. And even more importantly, it's what you have learned from your journey. Each mistake leads to a learning that will ultimately help you in not making the same mistake again.

This concept falls beautifully in the bucket of owning your shit. 

#1 - Person makes mistake. Person revisits pattern to the decision-making to said mistake. Person knows better the next time they are at a similar point in a future decision chain and leads a happier, more fulfilling life (owning their shit) or....

#2 - Person makes mistake. Person hates to look bad. Person feels bad that mistake happened or REALLY doesn't want to look bad. Person spends a lot of time and energy finding someone or something else to blame to feel and look better. Person ultimately doesn't feel better and will likely make the same mistake again (not owning their shit).

So, there it is. Which do you choose? Situation #1 is harder with #2 feeling better in the short-term but worse long-term. Most impactful to the outcome is whether you have an accountability partner close to you who pushes #1 through encouragement or a solid 2 X 4. Whatever it takes. And it really does take a village to not follow the typical path of least resistance (#2).

Recently the tables turned for me on the accountability role. As we typically do, Grant called me to check in on my day. Nothing in particular was on the agenda, just us updating each other. For me something had gone sideways with a work project and I was complaining about my perceived fault of others. As I explained the situation in detail, it was be becoming apparent that I was part of the problem too.

Before I had a chance to insert any new reflections, life came full circle for mother and son.

Grant" "Mom, I really don't think you're owning your shit on this one."

Well played, Grant. Well played.