What are the Chances?
Dad, Mom, me, cousin Kent, his girlfriend Paula - January 2022
“How is Kent your cousin?”
This was a question that came to me via Facebook Messenger from my friend, Julie. She and I went to college together. She and Kent grew up together.
I had just posted photos to Facebook from a recent trip to my hometown of Remsen, Iowa. I came back to celebrate Oktoberfest with my childhood classmates and family. My cousin, Kent, living 30 miles away on a farm outside of Cherokee, Iowa, drove to Remsen to join me.
The photos I posted depicted the great mood of that Oktoberfest night. We had fun and the pictures reflected this. The town was bustling with friends and family. Kent and his girlfriend, Paula, fit right into the mix.
The capstone event of the night was an 80s tribute band at the Avalon Ballroom. I graduated in 1985. Kent graduated in 1984. This was our era. With ‘Living on a Prayer’ blaring from the stage, our group of 50-somethings sang together at the top of our Jon Bon Jovi lungs. Kent and Paula joined my Remsen St. Mary’s contingent like they had all known each other forever.
In the variety of photos posted later, I noted Kent as my cousin. Julie, a mutual friend to both of us, had a reasonable inquiry. How were Kent and I related? I didn’t quite know how to answer. Or at least, how to answer in a brief Facebook message.
Here is the short answer: Kent and I are third cousins on my dad’s side. We just learned of each other’s existence in 2019 and met for the first time last year.
Although we have since uncovered commonalities of age, interests, and many mutual friends; our own friendship is a new one. As for our family ties, that has always been there. We just didn’t know it.
It all began with a message I received through 23 and Me in 2019.
“Sandra, I see we are distant cousins on our father’s side. I am trying to locate my biological father and wonder if you know anything that could help me. Kent O”
The chances of me even seeing this message were extremely low. I took the 23 and Me DNA test for fun and rarely logged on. I was working with my mom on gathering our family history documents and stories. We both took the DNA test to expand our family tree knowledge and find new connections.
Kent later told me that he sent this same message to each contact that showed up as a 23 and Me relative on his dad’s side. None were close in the family tree, with most falling in the 4th+ cousin string category. By my estimation, this would be over 200 email asks. A few responded but none with any info, only words of encouragement.
I saw the message. Although I wondered if it was spam, I answered. I was intrigued and if legit, thought this could be something my mom may be able to help with. What are the chances?
Mom and I are great partners in our own family history project. Each of us compliments the other with our very different genealogy roles.
Mom is the fact-finder, data gatherer, and chief correspondent. She fact-checks every piece of family history to the exact detail and has a network of family members, who also enjoy genealogy, with whom she communicates on names, dates, and document sharing.
I am the storyteller and publicist of our duo. I edit and write the stories and weave them into sharable family history. Then I push them out to our extensive extended family network via social media pages and a website.
Kent chose the right cousin to contact. Mom and I are all over family history. Except it was the wrong family history. Mom and I work on her side of the family. She had some family trees and history on my dad’s side, but it was limited. I still answered Kent. My mom and I would be willing to help if we could.
And so, it began. Mom, Kent, and I joined forces to solve the mystery. It was a needle in a haystack.
Other than the known DNA link, we knew little about Kent’s biological dad. There were a few entries in a baby book his parents were given from the adoption agency. We knew where his biological father lived at the time of Kent’s birth, his approximate age, and his type of employment. These were not hard facts, but entries penciled in by a nun in a book.
While Mom gathered family trees from her genealogy posse, we quickly saw the huge pool of possibilities. Families were having over twelve children back three generations. As Kent and I share the same great-great-grandfather, we were looking at well over 60 men (that we knew of) that fell in that age range in our family tree. I learned more about DNA details when looking at family branches that may be more likely than others. Mom poured over newspaper archives searching for clues.
With Mom in Kingman, Arizona, me in Boise, Idaho, and Kent in Cherokee, Iowa, we communicated frequently via phone, email, and texts. We shared facts and talked through leads. We worked on it together throughout 2019 with many hot leads becoming cold.
While chasing the story Kent was looking for, Mom and I learned about the great story he already had. Raised by wonderful parents with a sister, he had a happy childhood on a farm in Iowa. We found many commonalities in our life paths outside of our 23 and Me DNA connection. Kent was friends with and farmed by my mom’s aunt and uncle. Once this connection was made, they frequently checked on our progress in solving Kent’s bio-dad mystery. Kent and I then figured out that I went to college with several of his high school friends. Mutual friends were turning up everywhere as we would share random texts about people and places we found in common.
By the end of 2019, I had all but given up on our search while Mom kept at it. It should be noted that my mom missed her calling as either a detective or investigative reporter. Her diligence and thoroughness are top-notch. Months had passed since our initial contact with Kent when Mom broke the story.
My phone rang with a call from my mom.
“I found him! I found Kent’s dad!” Mom cried jubilantly.
While narrowing down our list of potentials, Mom found a newspaper article that tied all the facts together. With DNA + these newly surfaced details, we were 95% sure we had finally solved the mystery of Kent’s biological father. What were the chances?
We were thrilled to tell Kent and he took it from there. More commonalities in relationships emerged as he continued his journey. Other people knew his bio father and helped put him in touch. This is not my story to tell, but as is the case in highly anticipated life events, although a pleasant interchange, there was no spectacular ending.
Mom and I felt the bittersweet feeling of closing a big case. We were thrilled it was solved but felt down that it was done. We enjoyed our time with Kent. By researching family lines together and finding our mutual connections, we had become part of each other’s lives. Kent is a kind soul who felt just like a favorite cousin.
Then came our happy ending in that there wasn’t an ending. Instead, we had a beginning. Although our project ended, our relationship did not. Kent sent Mom and me thoughtful thank-you gifts for our detective work. Texts and cards on birthdays and holidays were exchanged in the months that followed. We made the token comments of ‘come visit some time’ and then Kent did just that.
Last February, Kent and Paula fled the Iowa winter for some Arizona warmth. We all came together at my parents’ home. We visited and shared more backstories and photos from our phone camera rolls. Together we ate out at our favorite Kingman restaurant. We drove through the city and walked Downtown. We had a wonderful day, just as a family should.
What are the chances that a random message to a stranger would turn into a new family member and a friend? What started out as a need to find a biological link was not the final prize. With very low odds, we all hit the jackpot in finding each other.
Sometimes the best things in life aren’t in getting what we are seeking but instead, in receiving the unexpected. It just may take a little time and some detective work to find them.
Oktoberfest fun with my friend Kris, my niece Ky, me, Kent, Paula - October 2022
Livin’ on a Prayer with the 80s Remsen posse!
